


Oikawa's Irrational Fear Of Minions

by tacoturtle



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Other, RIP Oikawa, i dont even know if this counts as fluff but i'll just tag it as so anyway lmao, iwa-chan is an angry mom, matsukawa and hanamaki are savage af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 04:16:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7207502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tacoturtle/pseuds/tacoturtle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"So Oikawa," Matsukawa asked casually as they walked, the trays still firm in his hold. "Minions, huh?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oikawa's Irrational Fear Of Minions

**Author's Note:**

> i had this headcanon at like 3 am that oikawa is unironically afraid of minions and matsuhana takes full advantage of it so i turned it into this crackfic lmAO
> 
> enjoy! <3

"Mattsun, Makki, where are you dragging me?" Oikawa whined, weakly trying to pry his arms out of their hold. Matsukawa and Hanamaki had both showed up at his house terribly early that day, slamming the door to his bedroom open with a synchronized chorus of "Wake up, asshat!" He'd tried in vain to kick them out, but they blatantly ignored his protests and talked amongst each other near Oikawa's dresser to try and find something for Oikawa to wear (because apparently the guy didn't know how to dress himself, even when he was fully awake). They dug through his clothes for a while before finding something at least publicly decent, throwing him the clothes as they walked out of the room.

"Hurry up and get dressed! We're gonna have _fun_ today!" Hanamaki laughed as they both walked away, leaving a disgruntled Oikawa to his own devices.

"I knew I should've just went back to sleep," Oikawa mumbled, allowing himself to be pulled along by the two currently discussing what sounded like a movie of some sort.

"Oh shush you drama queen," Hanamaki cooed, grinning at Oikawa. "We said we were gonna have fun, right? No need to worry, we're just gonna watch a movie and then eat somewhere after maybe."

Oikawa snorted. "Watching a movie with just one of you two could probably mean getting stuck in the claw machine at the arcade. I can't imagine "just watching a movie" when the both of you are together."

His hunch was correct as he saw a pair of matching grins spread evilly across both of their faces. Well fuck.

"Whatever do you mean?" Matsukawa said, batting his eyelashes in fake innocence. "We just wanted to spend some quality time with our great captain forward slash best friend."

Oikawa rolled his eyes, deciding not to respond to that. They neared the theatre soon enough, and made a beeline directly to the person at the entrance.

Matsukawa dug around in his pockets for a moment before pulling out three tickets, handing them over to the employee.

The employee looked at the movie on the tickets before glancing up at the three men, raising his eyebrows in astonishment but not saying anything. He tore the tickets and gave the stubs to the three waiting, telling them which theatre their movie was going to be playing in.

After they thanked him and walked away, the employee made sure they were out of eyesight before pulling a walkie talkie seemingly out of nowhere.

"What's the case?" An unknown voice crackled through the walkie talkie.

"Code 2-14 Operation H.I." The employee said into the device, narrowing his eyes down the path the three men walked, "Let him know; _they're_ here."

"Hmmm, what do you guys want?" Matsukawa asked while they were in line at the concessions stand, looking over the menu and the assortment of candies laid out.

"I think you know what I want," Hanamaki winked, and Matsukawa grinned at him. Oikawa narrowed his eyes slightly. He knew where this was going.

"So tell me what you want what you really really want," Matsukawa started, shaking Oikawa's arm to try and include him.

"I'll tell you what I want what I really really want," Hanamaki replied, dropping his arm heavily over Oikawa's shoulders.

"I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ah!" they said together, laughing at Oikawa's displeasured expression.

"I can't believe you forced me out of bed at six in the morning and took me to the movies just to do a shitty rendition of Spice Girls," Oikawa huffed, crossing his arms along his chest.

"Hey, our cover was pretty good," Hanamaki snickered. "And besides, think of it as payback for making us wait an hour and a half just for you to do your hair."

"It was not an hour an a half," Oikawa said, slightly offended.

"You're right," Matsukawa smirked, "It was two hours. I counted."

"Why am I friends with you two again?" Oikawa groaned as he watched the two fistbump.

"Because of that one Christmas where we ordered all of your favorite hair products online for you?" Hanamaki smiled.

"No, that was actually the worst Christmas ever," Oikawa said, getting irritated just remembering the incident. "You ordered all of my hair products using my own online account and made me pay for it with my own money. I'm pretty sure you bought some stuff for yourself too; my products don't cost as much as you spent."

"Guilty as charged," Hanamaki grinned, but stopped the conversation short as they reached the front of the concessions stand.

"Ah, you guys are back!!" The employee said, smiling lazily as they all walked up to the counter.

"Yukie!" Hanamaki exclaimed happily, waving enthusiastically at said person.

"Hello~" Yukie chuckled, returning Hanamaki's wave with one of her own. "What would you guys like? Or rather, just the regular?"

"Yup!" Hanamaki replied. "And, uh, M&M's for Mr. GrumpyPants over here." He said, jostling Oikawa as Oikawa grunted in annoyance.

"Gotcha," Yukie said, getting out three packs of Red Vines and one pack of M&M's before starting to make a small popcorn. "By the way," She said while working, "Have you seen my new shirt? Man, working at the movies rocks! You get employee shirts _and_ free shit! its a win-win!" She turned around and pulled her shirt down, revealing the happy yellow monsters prancing around in glee.

Matsukawa and Hanamaki stared at the shirt in awe, hiding their smug grins as they saw Oikawa in the corners of their eyes pale visibly at the sight.

"Oikawa, are you okay?" Matsukawa grinned, fake worry laced in his voice. "You look a little pale there buddy."

"I-I'm fine," Oikawa said, cursing himself for the stutter. He glanced nervously at Yukie's shirt before looking away, trying to hide his fear as the realization of what movie they were watching dawned on him. "Actually," Oikawa started nervously, "You never did tell me what movie we were gonna-"

"Aaand here's your order!" Yukie interrupted, grinning widely at her customers as she placed their order in front of them. "Enjoy your movie!!"

"Thanks Yukie, see ya later!" Hanamaki said as Matsukawa took the cardboard trays. Yukie waved farewell as she watched the three make their way to their theatre, smirking as she saw Oikawa's shaky legs. Oh, this was _definitely_ going to be fun.

"So Oikawa," Matsukawa asked casually as they walked, the trays still firm in his hold. "Minions, huh?"

"Don't you start," Oikawa growled, glaring harshly as the two with him laughed. "I knew something was off the moment you dragged me out here. I should leave while I still can."

"Hey, hey, wait!" Hanamaki said, grabbing onto Oikawa's arm as he was about to turn around. "We're not watching the minion movie, okay? Trust me."

"Also, we payed like four bucks for these M&M'S," Matsukawa added, "We won't be eating them, because they're gross, but they're like, your favorite, so just fucking chill. If worst comes to worst, at least you got free M&M'S."

Oikawa glared at the two before finally relaxing, letting a resigned sigh fall from his lips. They were his ride home anyway, so why the fuck not?

"Fuck, okay, fine," Oikawa said, pinching the bridge of his nose using the hand that wasn't in Makki's grip. "But I swear to god if I-" Oikawa cut himself off, shrieking in fright as Hanamaki took something out of his pocket. "HANAMAKI GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME I _SWEAR_ -"

"What? What was that??" Hanamaki laughed, a cruel undertone in his voice as he held up a minion keychain that was attached to his phone. "Sorry, my phone went off."

Matsukawa smirked. "Wow. Oikawa Tooru, the man of every girl's dreams, is afraid of minions. Not even ironically, either." Matsukawa shook his head in mock sorrow, the grin on his face getting bigger as he continued walking, Hanamaki keeping Oikawa hostage behind him.

"Told you we were gonna have fun, right?" Hanamaki chuckled darkly, walking into the theatre after Matsukawa entered. Hanamaki took the lead from there, quietly guiding the other two to the very top before shoving Oikawa to be on the inside of the row. Hanamaki took the middle seat while Matsukawa took the outside, already opening up a box of Red Vines.

"I hate you. I hate you both so much right now-"

"Shh, Oikawa, there are other people here. Children, to be specific." Hanamaki chastised, clicking his tongue in disappointment.

"Yeah, children and their stick-up-the-ass parents." Matsukawa whispered, causing Hanamaki to snicker along with him.

Oikawa didn't pay much attention to the two currently trying to throw popcorn at the bratty kids in the theatre without getting caught, instead trying to focus on slowing his heartbeat down, attempting to breathe normally. It's just a movie. There's nothing to be scared of, right? Right!?

Hanamaki looked over at Oikawa with genuine worry, seeing his disheveled appearance. "Dude, calm down," Hanamaki tried, although he doubted Oikawa was listening to him. "You like aliens, right? It's the same thing."

" _Aliens_ and _Minions_ are two _very different things_ , mind you," Oikawa whispered gratingly. "And frankly, I'd rather be abducted right at this moment by aliens than be forced to sit here for an hour and a half watching these fucking yellow jellybeans with legs talk gibberish amongst themselves."

"Oikawa, chill out," Matsukawa said as he threw Oikawa his M&M'S. "It's actually a pretty shit movie, me and Makki usually only buy tickets to chuck food at the kids and adults being little shits."

"And how is that supposed to reassure me!?" Oikawa said, folding his arms across his chest petulantly. He didn't look like he was about to leave though, so Hanamaki relaxed a bit.

"Oh shush, the movie's starting," Hanamaki said just as the first preview rolled onto the screen, the familiar music filling up the theatre's silence.

"Oh shit," Matsukawa mumbled, "Makki, it's our preview."

"That it is," Hanamaki mumbled back, before leaning closer to Matsukawa and starting to sing along to the movie preview.

"You'll always remember your first, your first kiss, your first car, that made you smile."

"That made you smile," Matsukawa added the echo, and Oikawa felt him shift farther away from the two silently singing along to whatever was playing on the big screen.

It was like this for a while, Mattsun and Makki singing/speaking along to almost everything that played (seriously, how often did they come here that they knew almost every single preview? It was pretty scary).

Eventually the previews ended, and Oikawa stiffened in his seat as the movie began.

"How dare they taint this song with those yellow shits," Oikawa muttered, his eye twitching in annoyance as Happy Together played, watching as the miniature nightmares swam around.

Hanamaki snorted, choking on a piece of popcorn he was eating. He coughed loudly, downing the water Matsukawa offered him.

"O-Oikawa," He wheezed, trying to regain his breath. "Its a fucking children's movie, calm down."

"What happened?" Matsukawa asked, concerned. Hanamaki whispered what Oikawa said into his ear, and Matsukawa's concern turned into barely-controlled laughter that shook his shoulders.

"Oh shut it," Oikawa grumbled. "You drag me out here to watch this, you're getting my fucking commentary."

And get his commentary they did. Throughout most of the movie, Oikawa was adding in his own opinions and comments whenever he could. Hanamaki shoved a Red Vine into his mouth at one point, getting him to be quiet for a few minutes before he started up his own little conversation with himself.

Matsukawa quietly groaned in frustration. It was halfway through the movie and Oikawa clearly wasn't done with his temper tantrum. "Hey," Matsukawa whispered, getting Hanamaki's attention. "Do you think we can pull through with our plan a little bit earlier than intended?"

"I thought you'd never ask," Hanamaki said in relief. "You think _you_ have it bad? Try sitting _next_ to the nut job." He got up from his seat with a groan, bringing his arms above his head in a lazy stretch. "I'm going to the bathroom," Hanamaki announced, walking down the aisle and outside of the theatre.

"I actually have to go refill my drink," Matsukawa said, causing Oikawa to narrow his eyes with suspicion. "What?" Matsukawa asked as he saw the look Oikawa gave him, trying desperately not to smile or give anything away. "Why do you think he needed to go to the bathroom? Bastard finished my coke." He shook his empty cup for emphasis, listening as the ice sloshed around inside.

It took a moment but Oikawa relaxed, nodding his head tiredly at Matsukawa as Matsukawa grinned broadly.

"Brb girl," Matsukawa said, standing up with his drink and walking out of the theatre.

He walked to the concessions stand and put his drink on the counter, looking up as Yukie smiled evilly at him. "Back already, huh?" She chuckled, taking the cup and refilling it. "It's a little early though. You still want them?"

"Ugh, he wouldn't shut up," Matsukawa complained, laying his head on the counter.

"The whole time he was shit talking the movie. I don't even think he's watching it."

"Aw, you poor thing," Yukie chuckled, putting Matsukawa's drink on the counter before reaching under the counter, handing him a bag. "There you go."

"Thanks Yukie, you're the best," Matsukawa winked. Yukie giggled as she waved goodbye to him a second time that day. "Make sure you record it, okay? I wanna see too."

"Will do." Matsukawa said. He left his drink on the counter and took the bag to the bathroom, walking in and yelling, "Makki!! I have the shit!!"

"Fuck," He heard someone mumble, looking over at the sinks to see Hanamaki trying to dry his shirt.

Matsukawa chortled at the sight, throwing the bag onto the nearest counter and opening it up. Inside were two adult-sized minion costumes, and Matsukawa took one out, throwing it over to Hanamaki who just barely caught it.

"Hey, warn me next time! You're lucky we're the only ones in here. " Hanamaki exclaimed, opening it immediately and putting it on.

"Do you think he'll notice how long we've been gone?" Matsukawa asked as he put his own costume on.

"Probably. But who cares if he sees us before we want him to. Either way he'll shit his pants and I'm gonna have the time of my life."

"Dude, that's so harsh," Matsukawa laughed, helping Hanamaki with his costume after he was done putting on his own.

"I know that's what you're thinking too, don't even try to deny it," Hanamaki smirked.

"You know me so well," Matsukawa smirked back. "All right. Autobots, roll out!" He yelled, the two almost bumping into a man and his child as they made their way out of the bathroom.

"So, how're we gonna do this?" Hanamaki asked as they walked back to their theatre. He heard loud laughing from somewhere behind him, and he's pretty sure Yukie took a picture or two, but that didn't matter to him.

"Go inside, and fuck shit up," Matsukawa grinned underneath the costume.

Hanamaki laughed, holding onto the handle to the theatre doors but not opening them yet.

"Let's do this." And with that, he opened up the doors and they walked inside.

And raised hell itself.

The moment Oikawa saw light filter through in the corner of his eye he looked, expecting Makki and Mattsun. What he saw made him shriek in terror, and he jumped out of his seat. Two very big minions were approaching him, and he did anything in his power to stop them. He threw the discarded popcorn, water bottles, anything he could get his hands on. Of course the items hit the yellow monsters, but they also ricocheted off of them and hit nearby people trying to watch the movie.

"No, get away from me! Move!" Oikawa yelled, pushing himself further against the wall he was trapped in front of. He screamed again when one of them tried to touch him, and he swatted the yellow hand away. He heard a distinct yelling coming from behind the minions (probably the people they were disturbing) but he couldn't focus on that right now. He tried desperately to move away from the two, but they kept getting close, too close for Oikawa's liking. Oikawa sunk to the ground with a pathetic whimper falling from his lips, and he brought his hands up to cover his ears as he heard the minions chanting something above him.

"What the fuck?" Oikawa heard someone say. He looked up with a tear-stained face as he heard a shout, and suddenly both of the minions were gone.

"Oikawa, what the fuck are you doing?" A familiar voice said. Oikawa focused on the face directly in front of his and saw Iwaizumi, an unimpressed look being sent directly Oikawa's way. Of course Oikawa is the one crying in the middle of theatre during the minion movie. Why did he expect anyone else?

"I-Iwa-chan!" Oikawa sobbed, hugging Iwaizumi close. Iwaizumi let out an indignant yelp, falling forward closer to Oikawa.

"T-The minions, and- Makki and Mattsun were gone-"

"Oikawa, calm down." Iwaizumi said, pushing away from him. Iwaizumi got up and Oikawa's frightful eyes followed his movements. "If you're wondering where Hanamaki and Matsukawa are, well-" He cut himself off as he brought forward the two that started everything, bringing his hands up before ripping off the heads of both minions.

Oikawa's gasp of surprise turned into a glare that could kill as he saw Makki and Mattsun grinning widely at him. "I can't believe you two!" He yelled. "Are you honestly trying to give me a heart attack!?"

"And we would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for these meddling kids and their super buff ringleader!" Hanamaki yelled, causing Matsukawa to laugh obnoxiously next to him.

Iwaizumi pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation. He knew he should've answered the emergency call sooner. "You three. Out. _Now_."

"Yes boss!" The two still in the minion costumes yelled happily, being led outside by mall security. Oikawa got up off the ground and dusted himself off, walking outside at a safe distance from the others.

"This is the fourth fucking time I got called to this exact theatre for some prank you two pulled," Iwaizumi said once they got out of the theatre. He told the other security guards he could handle the situation and bid them away, now intent on scolding the three in front of him. "I can't believe they haven't banned you yet! What made you think making a grown-ass man cry in the middle of a children's movie was a good idea!?"

"With the way you put it, everything." Matsukawa sniggered. "And it went wonderfully. Definitely gonna send this recording to Yukie later."

"R-Recording?" Oikawa squeaked, incredulous.

"Yup!" Hanamaki smiled mischievously. "She was the one that smuggled our costumes in; also the one preventing us from getting banned. She's a good friend," He sighed, and Matsukawa nodded in agreement.

"Oh my god," Iwaizumi said, throwing his arms into the air in exasperation. "Of course. Of course you two have connections. Why would anything else even matter." He spoke, disbelief evident in his voice. "Whatever, just-" He sighed tiredly, waving his hand in a circular motion. "-Just apologize, okay? And if I get called out here a fifth time because of you two, I will make sure that they ban your asses from this theatre permanently. Understood?"

"Yes mom," Matsukawa said with a roll of his eyes. He turned towards Oikawa at the same time as Hanamaki did and said, "Sorry for making you cry in front of children."

"Sorry for having the best time of my life- I mean for causing you trouble," Hanamaki said hurriedly with a smile, causing Oikawa's glare to harden.

"You're buying me food and then dropping me home. After you change," Oikawa said harshly, obviously not accepting the apology. Hanamaki and Matsukawa nodded solemnly before watching Oikawa walk away to wait for them at the front doors.

As soon as Oikawa was out of earshot Iwaizumi turned to the two of them with a smirk. "Send me the recording later?"

Matsukawa and Hanamaki had matching grins as they nodded eagerly, waving away Iwaizumi so that they could go and change in peace.

"So, you think Iwaizumi's really gonna get us banned?" Matsukawa started as they were in the bathroom, changing out of the minion costume."

"Did you see his face? He was obviously proud of us. Probably thought Oikawa deserved it." Hanamaki laughed. "Maybe we can get him to to tell us more of Oikawa's secrets."

Matsukawa hummed in response, taking both costumes and putting them away. "Maybe. But for now, let's worry about the big baby waiting for us out front."

"Good call. And by the way, you made a very convincing minion."

"Why thank you," Matsukawa beamed. "You didn't do so bad yourself."

And with that they exited the theatre bathroom, laughing with each other as they plotted for their next prank on the ever-so-prankable Oikawa Tooru.

**Author's Note:**

> #saveoikawa2k16 (also, tsk tsk iwa-chan, selling your best friend's fears out to the two most known pranksters; truly a regret)
> 
> the only fic longer than this one is Sweet Like Suga i feel like i've hit a milestone
> 
> also, if you get where the movie preview mentioned in this fic is from i will love you forever omg (its a rlly old movie preview)
> 
> anyway, feedback is nice! i'm sorry i havent replied to a lot of comments, i plan on doing that sometime today, but yea! thank you for reading! (i hope no one gets butthurt over the fact that matsuhana ended up making oikawa cry; like c'mon they wouldnt have done it if they knew he couldnt handle it)


End file.
